Thursday, 11 January 2018

Companies want our data. Lets give them our feelings too - and other #DadDirt 190-196



Things in my head this week.

Monday 8 January
What if “We absolutely need to leave at 7pm” actually means goodbyes at 7.35pm and wheels absolutely at gone 8.50pm.

Tuesday 9 January
What if Newspapers were to slowly attack every man, woman and child in the country, then wonder why their sales are going down.

Wednesday 10 January
What if it doesn’t matter what build or body language.
Any man holding a biscuit tin looks hopeless.

Thursday 11 January
Companies want all our data.
What if we give them our feelings too.
Because they don’t know how to make money from that.
Yet.

Friday 12 January
What if all social media is cigarettes.
And my feed is just menthol.

Saturday 13 January
What if my 8 year old son declares himself bankrupt.
Can he start again?

Sunday 14 January
What if you know what you must do now.



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What if Pharrell Williams has it right all along?


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Wednesday, 10 January 2018

What if Pharrell Williams has it right all along?





What if Pharrell Williams has it right all along?

"There's something special on the other side of this moment
And it's about what you and I decide
And it's important for you to remember we did this together
And finally, they'll know the story of our lives

There's a brush fire
TV's watching it escalate
Smoke signals going up higher
It'll take your breath away
But they don't know how we act now
We'll turn our tomorrow into yesterday
Don't you nest away
C'mon, get dressed okay

Grab someone you love
There's something special on the other side of this moment
And it's about what you and I decide
And it's important for you to remember we did this together
And finally, they'll know the story of our lives

And if it happens to rain on my plans
Water and sweat will dry when they can
Not even cuffs will prevent this man
From the connection between these two hands
You heard me?
Yes, sir.

And it's important for you to remember we did this together
And finally, they'll know the story of our lives
HONK."


There's a verse dropped from a different version.
Maybe it was cut for time - or to avoid any mention of "the Lord" in a kids thing.

"I'm a sinner - Sometimes I only did what was required
I'm a sinner - Sometimes I sat down when I got tired
Should've stayed standing up, To do the job for which I was hired
But the good Lord, Thank you for relighting my fire"


There's so little written about this song.

How does Pharrell summon the confidence to create something so pretty and so delicate,
and then put atonal honks all over it?

Either way, that minion getting his dungarees blown off on the final parp is the gag that holds the record for the biggest laugh (and most replay) in our house in 2018.

(Followed a close second by Cameron Diaz's "There's a window there's a bed, there's the TV there's your head" Miss Hannigan moment on Annie).


Previous post...
The News Has Jumped The Shark - and other #DadDirt 183-189


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Wednesday, 13 December 2017

The News Has Jumped The Shark - and other #DadDirt 183-189



Things in my head next week.

Monday 11 December
The News has jumped the shark.

Tuesday 12 December
I bought 4 terabytes of storage space.
But I’ve only got 183 gigabytes of life to store.

Wednesday 13 December
When you see your bin men in another street on another day, they are absolutely cheating on you.

Thursday 14 December
I always mix up the windscreen wiper and headlights stalks and look like I get angry every time it rains.

Friday 15 December
Be famous for 15 hundred people.

Saturday 16 December
When you’re avoiding dairy, you can have cheese if you use it like chewing tobacco.

Sunday 17 December
We are the cleverest animals on Earth, because we've managed to work out how to cage ourselves.



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When you try to avoid Shoe Shop Guilt... Just try it. You can't. #DadDirt


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Sunday, 26 November 2017

When you try to avoid Shoe Shop Guilt... Just try it. You can't. #DadDirt



Saturday afternoon shop chaos.
MUM is with her 6 year old daughter - finally catching the attention from twenty-something SHOE SHOP GIRL.

MUM
Hi, thanks, I need a pair for my daughter.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
They come with flashing lights, badges, stickers or a toy--

MUM
I know and I don't care.
I just want to buy one pair of shoes, that don't come with any guilt.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
You want to buy shoes. Here.
Without the guilt that comes with buying shoes here.

MUM
I know it's a long shot.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
And they're for school

MUM
(sigh)
One week before the end of term.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
So there's no way out of this.

MUM
No guilt.
I know that it can be done.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
And you're saying that while I've got this right here.

CLUNK CLUNK. She cocks the foot measuring machine in front of Mum's face.

MUM
Keep it coming--

SHOE SHOP GIRL
So you want no guilt, while I use this unnecessarily huge contraption... that records in three dimensions...

MUM
I'm ready for it.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
Length, width and height of the feet of the child that came from your womb--

MUM
They're just shoes.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
(to girl)
9G! Oh my, have you grown!
Because the shoes you're wearing are--

MUM
8F. I know.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
8F? Ffffff.
I'm measuring the other foot because they can be different sizes and we must make sure they don't harm your child's natural growth--

MUM
They'll last less than 3 months.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
So we don't want to permanently disfigure them.

MUM
(Long pause)
They're the same?

SHOE SHOP GIRL
(Longer pause)
They're the same.
(putting shoes on the girl)
So let's try these on.

MUM
Are those certificates on the wall there yours?

SHOE SHOP GIRL
We are shoe experts.

MUM
I bet you've had a whole night's sleep.

The shoes are on the daughter.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
How does that feel?

6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Good--

SHOE SHOP GIRL
Not you. Your mother.

MUM
You haven't even got any yoghurt down your top.

SHOE SHOP GIRL
(perky, to daughter)
Do you want to try them out?

6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Yes please.

THUNK.

She kicks the SHOE SHOP GIRL clean in the face.

MUM
(sigh)
They'll do.
(to daughter)
Come on, let's get some lunch.

6 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER
Something that completely destroys my teeth?

MUM
Yeah. You deserve it.


Previous post...
How to stop hiccupping (or hiccoughing) and how to make an infographic - Tips and Tricks for my Kids #DadDirt


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Friday, 24 November 2017

Thursday, 23 November 2017

Do You Like My New Hair? No, because it is a test that I will fail. #DadDirt



DAD crosses past MUM in the Hallway.

MUM
You haven’t noticed then.

DAD
Noticed what.

MUM
Or you don’t like it.

DAD
Oh wow. Your hair. It’s magnificent.
But I always say the wrong thing here.
So - let me make it 100 percent clear.
It is dynamite.
Impeccable.
Gorgeous.
I love your hair.

MUM
You do?

DAD
11 out of 10. Amazing. Fantastic. The best.

A moment.

MUM
So you didn’t like how it looked before.

DAD
No, I didn’t say--

MUM
You couldn’t find a good time to tell me.

DAD
No, what I mean is--

MUM
So you were hiding that you didn’t like how it used to look?

DAD
No, it’s just such a phenomenally spectacular new look--

MUM
You do know then, that it’s different.

DAD
Yes. Definitely. And it’s stunning.

MUM
And you like it because it makes me look different.
Like you’re with someone else.

DAD
Yes. No!

MUM
You want me to look like someone else.

DAD
I didn’t say that - I didn’t - what I mean to come across is...
etc. etc.

DEFOCUS TO HAIRSPRAY CAN IN FOREGROUND.

VOICEOVER
Long-lasting volume with perfect hold.
Satin touch by L’Oreal Paris.
Because the row is worth it.


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Don’t ever want my girl to stop putting wellies on the wrong feet #DadDirt


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Wednesday, 22 November 2017

Don’t ever want my girl to stop putting wellies on the wrong feet #DadDirt



A 6 YEAR-OLD GIRL is putting on wellies in the hallway.
DAD is sat on a stair, watching.

DAD
Ugh.
This’ll take forever
Huh?
She usually puts them on the wrong way round.
But look at that.
The wellies are on the right feet.

I guess this is it.
The descent from here into womanhood.

Soon you’ll be interested in boys and secrets will be more important than anything else.

Our home will have no hold for you.
You’ll explore the world and will leave your mark on it.

But it’ll be a struggle.
Women will hack you down, and then there’s the men.
I’ve treated enough badly to know what you’ll face.
Difficult situations and wrong relationships.
Heartbreak and pain.
Will you have the resolve?
The strength and spirit to--

6 YEAR OLD GIRL
AY?! ARE YOU ALRIGHT DADDY?
I CAN’T HEAR YOU.

Her coat is the wrong way round and the hood is over her head.

DAD
Oh, nothing.
We’re late.

He shuffles her out of the door, her coat still the wrong way round.

DAD
Don’t change a thing.

Previous post...
Visiting Santas Sexy Helper #DadDirt


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Tuesday, 21 November 2017

Visiting Santas Sexy Helper #DadDirt



The Store’s Christmas Grotto is about to open - a line of JADED DADS with KIDS wait for the rope barrier to be lifted.

They perk up when in crosses...

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Come closer everybody. Santa’s nearly here!

SANTA crosses in to take his seat in the Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Oh. Santa’s here now.
After a whole year of waiting.
(to DAD and KID #1)
In you go.

They go into the curtained off Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
A whole year of waiting.
And there he is.
We haven’t seen him since the Grotto works party on December 24th.
But - here - he - is.

She sends in DAD and KID #2

SANTA (O.S.)
Is everything ho-ho-ho okay out there?

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Oh, yes. Everything’s just fine.

She sends in DAD and KID #3 in a huff.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I mean, why wouldn’t it be.
You didn’t call.
Because of all your important Santa business.

SANTA appeaers at the Grotto curtain door.
The line of kids and Dads cheers.

SANTA
Ho ho ho!
I ho ho don’t know what’s go, go, going on.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
No it’s fine. I’ve moved on from last year.

She pushes DAD #5 onto Santa’s grotto chair and sits on his lap.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
What would you like on the tree this year?

She jiggles about on the Dad.

SANTA
(on the side)
You’re ruining the Grotto for everybody.

ALL THE DADS
No - we’re fine/ Super okay with this/ You take all the time you need/ Can I go next?

DADS start tossing gifts to Santa’s Sexy Helper.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
You can’t have this, like last year.
Glad you didn’t call now?

SANTA
(to crowd)
Santa needs to check on Rudolph.
No, I don’t mean it like that.
Reindeer checking.
(to Santa’s Sexy Helper)
Round the back of the Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
Oh so now your memory’s coming back.

Santa’s Sexy Helper stomps in a huff round to the back of the grotto.

SANTA
It’s my first day - they said you’d be helping.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
You’re - not the same.

SANTA
Same as what?!
None of this is in the guide.

She holds Santa’s arms. Genuine.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I am so sorry. I’ve got completely the wrong guy.

SANTA
So we’re going back to the Grotto.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I just need to know.
Are you going to the Christmas Party?
December 24th?

But Santa has gone.

SANTA’S SEXY HELPER
I'll take that as a maybe.


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Teaching my son to touch type. Is there any point? #DadDirt


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Monday, 20 November 2017

Teaching my son to touch type. Is there any point? #DadDirt



DAD is at a computer keyboard with his 8 year-old SON.

SON
I still don’t know why we’re doing this.

DAD
Son, if you can touch-type fast on a QWERTY keyboard... the world is yours.

SON
But Dad, can’t we just get a tablet?

DAD
No. Nothing of any use was swiped into a tablet.

SON
But why are you teaching me touch typing when I can just say “Okay Google... Siri... or Alexa? Why aren’t you teaching me touch speaking?

DAD
Nothing of any use was ever spoken into a gadget.

SON
What about Churchill’s wartime speeches. They--

DAD
(thwarted)
Yes. I get it. He said them--

SON
Into a microphone.

DAD
Ah, no, Churchill’s speeches were typed out for him to read.
Typed out on a keyboard.

SON
“Everything that’s any good has been typed.”

DAD
Always has been, always will be.
It’s the only way to get your message across.

SON
Okay. Let’s do some more speed typing.
(types)
You - cannot - afford - a - tablet - can - you.

DAD
No.

SON
(typing)
Because - you - are - still - typing - when - everyone - else - is - swiping - and - speaking - which - is - much - faster - and - you - wonder - if - this - is - why - everyone - will - always - earn - more - money - than - you.

DAD
That’s pretty much it.

SON
My speed’s gone up.


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How to deal with sales cold calls. Reply to Every. Single. One. #DadDirt


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